Hawley Lake

At the end of July, we were able to get away for a few days to get out of the heat and enjoy the beauty that is the White Mountains. We stayed in a cabin at Hawley Lake. It was wonderful to have a little road trip adventure, enjoy the peacefulness of Nature, and spend quality time with our family.

Unfortunately, Phillip had to work so he wasn't there, but the kids and I caravanned up with my parents and they brought Lily's cousin Shae.

I, of course, brought an obscene amount of produce and my heavy duty juicer.

Lily didn't feel well the first day that we were there; luckily she started feeling better, was able to have some fun, and I was able to get some photos of her.

We got to experience both a cold, rainy day and a bright, clear sunny day. Colorful flowers, busy butterflies, baby ducks, noisy cows and (lucky me!) mice in my bed- oh my!

All of these made for an adventure I won't soon forget!

Lily fished, both on the shore and in a boat. She played with her cousin and at night they both kept us laughing with their hilarious infomercials about random objects.

Jacob and I got to spend a lot of time together, which made me happy. Can you believe he is 17 this month? It's not often that he wants to spend time with the family, but a sweeter, more responsible 17 year old would be hard to find. I try to give him his space; there are a lot of things he doesn't like and me taking his picture is one of them, but I was able to snap a few without him noticing.

I spent much of my time obsessively making huge quantities of organic, healthy food that everyone good-naturedly ate despite the fact that it was a bit bland without salt or oil.

However, I did get up early the last day we were there and spend some solitary time by the lake, meditating on this crazy thing called life and my own role in Lily's journey. We are so close and I tend to be overly empathetic, literally feeling her pain, discomfort, or sickness. And while being empathetic isn't necessarily a bad thing, the constant worry and fear that I was also experiencing didn't have me in a good frame of mind. Every second of my day was consumed with thinking about, talking about, reading about, and watching about cancer. At night, I had vivid dreams. During the day, I rushed around frantically trying to do everything I could. I spent most of my day in the kitchen, where I was so hurried that I broke countless dishes and accidentally cut myself slicing vegetables on several occasions.

I realized that while I felt very strong and centered about our decision, I wasn't taking the time that I needed each day for myself to ground and recenter my own emotions. I still find this balance difficult with all that I need to do every day, but during this trip it came to me that the best way I can help Lily is to be a supportive presence, not to attempt to live her pain for her.

I've always tried to shelter Lily, but by taking on too much I've ended up simply exhausting myself. And the fact is, she is becoming a very mature, very wise young woman. She needs a mother who is mindful, who feels and gives from her heart, not a mother who is mindlessly spurned on by fear and worry. In the situation I find myself in, it hasn't been easy for me. But I'm trying to be that person.