No matter how imperfect— All is perfect

Anyone who knows me well knows how very sensitive I am. I’ve always felt everything so strongly- which means that growing up was difficult, especially in our society that doesn’t necessarily value introverted, sensitive souls.  I always felt like I needed to be tougher somehow.  Strong is not a word I ever used to describe myself; I’d be much more likely to call myself weak, wimpy, and a downright big-ole-baby.  Yes! I was hard on myself but I figured I needed to toughen myself up rather than realizing the simple fact that I wasn’t weak, just sensitive, and that I only reacted differently to situations because I felt everything so much more than many of those around me.

This sensitivity certainly extends to the situations that I have found myself in dealing with Lily’s illness over the past two years. I have such a strong bond with my girl—so strong that it seemed like every ache, every pain she experienced was echoed in my own body. More agonizing still was the mental pain as I worried and sympathized day and night for sweet Lily.  The first time she got an IV, I literally had to lie down on the hospital floor or I would have fallen down. And that was only the beginning, and obviously a simple procedure in comparison to others she had to go through later.

You can imagine, then, how strange it is for me to hear others say how strong they think I am.  It’s made me realize that I am able to be strong because I’ve been sensitive my whole life. I’ve already learned how to be courageous in the face of fear. I’ve also already learned how I deal best with strong emotions-- by being alone and giving myself the time to reflect on and process the situation. I meditate, I write, I read and I run. I embrace my solitude.  I give my soul room to breathe.

What I have always considered my greatest weakness truly is my greatest strength. It is what makes me who I am.

I wonder too, when others tell me that I’m so strong, if they are taking into account the fact that we have already been up and down the grieving process what feels like a million times over the past two years. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions that we have lived every day.

 Losing someone slowly isn’t easy, but it certainly gives you time to learn acceptance and to find peace while they are still living. And I’m glad that I was able to be strong for Lily. That I could sit by her bed and feel my heart overflowing with nothing but love, that I could smile at her instead of cry, and that I could assure her that no matter what- everything would be okay- and mean it with every ounce of my soul.

And she was so brave and so accepting. She taught me the true meaning of letting go.

I had to see Lily lose so much, so slowly. I watched her lose her hair, her healthy vitality, and her rosy cheeks. I watched her lose her ability to run and dance, to hike mountains with me.  I had to watch her lose the use of her legs, her bowels, and slowly, her lungs. I helplessly saw her become exhausted to even breathe, something each one of us takes for granted every day.

I watched her bravely let go of these physical things as well as ideas, hopes, and dreams that she had for her life on this planet.

I’ve grieved for the wonderful mother she could have been. For all the babies she will never hold. I’ve grieved for the dazzling artist in her and all the marvels she could have created.

I’ve grieved for the idealist in her that looked to create a better world than the one she was born into.

But none of these what- ifs and could- have- beens were ever really real to begin with. 

And the wonder is, that as each of these things were lost or let go of, the more Lily’s true being became visible to me.  As her physical body broke down, the brightness of her spirit shone through. 

I knew she was brave, but I never knew until she was sick the level of courage her soul possessed.

I knew she was smart (even when the school system told me she had learning disabilities), but I didn’t know how truly wise she could be.

I knew she was humble, but I didn’t know it was possible for anyone to live in such a state of grace, of positive acceptance.

It’s almost as though at some level, this wise, old, courageous soul knew and had long ago accepted her destiny.

Could she have chosen this life with its physical suffering to purposefully inspire and enlighten each of us?

I believe it is possible.

It comforts me to know that all of life is imbued with meaning, even when the bigger picture isn’t readily apparent.

I don’t claim to have any answers; I simply trust in the beauty of a perfectly ordered Universe.

It’s all love.

And when, in spite of everything, we hold love in our hearts and let go of all that other stuff that doesn’t even matter—we allow our light to shine and our true being comes through—and that is what I saw in Lily over the last few weeks that we had together.

And at the end, as I held her hand, I could sense that she was at peace, she was free, happy, laughing, able to run again.

She was full of love.

What is the purpose of one life?

Countless have lived and died never knowing the answer.

I do not know the answer.

I do know this:

We are all connected in infinite, intricate ways.

Some obvious, others we cannot even begin to understand.

Every action of one affects the whole.

A life (however short) filled with love, beauty and acceptance is never in vain.

There is anger, violence and fear in this world,

but every life filled with light diminishes the darkness.

This I do know:

I have experienced the light of a radiant soul.

And I am thankful.

I am humbled.

No matter how imperfect—

All is perfect.

We buried my baby this week. Lily's body now rests at Mountain View Cemetery in Mesa.

Her spirit is free.

Jacob's Words

I am so proud of Jacob. 

He was such a wonderful big brother to his little sister and she loved him so much. Any time someone mentioned to Lily what a pain brothers could be and asked if she got along with hers, she would always say yes-- and let them know her brother was different. He was nice and funny and let her hang out in his room even when his friends were over. 

It must have been hard for Jacob to have so much of our attention directed at Lily for so long, but he never complained. He was always mature and understanding and concerned about his sister. And she, in turn, looked up to him and could only think of good things to say about him. They had a strong, loving bond that will always remain. 

He surprised us all by speaking during Lily's memorial on Thursday. He was so sincere, and spoke so directly from his heart; we were all touched. He called Lily honest and powerful, funny and artistic-- and it is true, she was all of these things. But so is he! 

I've been so blessed to have children with such beautiful, wise old souls.

Here are his wonderful words of remembrance for his sister:

We miss you, Lily.

You taught us the meaning of life itself, to enjoy yourself no matter what ailments hold you down.

You showed us it was possible to be strong and happy no matter how much time you have left to feel it.

You were honest, and powerful. You will always be the one thing that holds us together.

When we were little we played together and laughed. The weather outside was always warm and inviting.

I remember when you first became sick. You only complained about minor back pain. It wasn't until the first week in the hospital you admitted it was much worse than that, only after we asked you to tell the truth a dozen times.

I remember you would always ask me to draw with you. I would always say no, and tell you that I couldn't draw as well when other people were looking. When really it was because I felt you were better at drawing than me, and I didn't want to be embarrassed.

I remember when Mergence played for you in our backyard. You and mom and dozens of others danced and laughed together. Just the thought of the joy I felt for you still makes me cry.

I remember when you were too sick to go outside. I played with you on the couch. I would voice your stuffed animals and try to be as funny as possible. You were always more comedic than I could have ever hoped to be.

I remember when you couldn't feel your legs anymore. You didn't complain or cry, not once. All you did was let us know.

I remember when mom took you away to the nursing home because taking care of you becoming too difficult. She stayed there with you. I stopped going to school just so I could visit you daily.

I remember how you were always happy, and would sit in bed painting tea cups with mom all day. Even though your hands were getting more and more numb and unusable as the days went by.

I remember hearing how you made the nurses set up a tea party, with fancy dresses and hats, British accents and make-up. I wish I was there to see it. You were almost always asleep when I came to visit you.

I remember your smile when you were awake to hear me say "I love you."

I remember when dad called me that night after I left you, to tell me that you had passed away.

I held your cold hand as mom told me your last words, enough to write a small book.

I cried, but felt happy that you were finally done suffering.

We all stayed up all night, just so we could sit beside you. But eventually, we had to leave.

The sun was coming up by the time we made it home. Your bedroom was as empty as our hearts.

I slept from morning till night that day, and mom and dad invited me to go with them and their friends to Adam's house.
 

We drove through the freeway and into the desert to meet them. The stars were bright out, away from the city. The Milky Way was visible over our heads. Everyone drank and laughed and talked. We set up a campfire among the cactus and rocks. Eventually, Adam and Brandon started playing songs on their guitars. Soon, they offered to play your favorite song, "White Bark." They played and sang, and we all listened with smiles on our faces.
 

When the song was finished, everyone was silent. There was no sound but the crackle of the fire. We all remembered you, just as you remembered us before you passed. I started to cry silently, keeping as straight of a face as I could as tears streamed from my eyes. Mom hugged me and told me she loved me. Dad soon hugged both of us. I wish you could have seen us. Maybe you did.
 

By midnight, the members of the band played one last song. We gathered around and shouted to the glowing night sky, "We love you, Lily!" Just like we did at the party when everyone was dancing months before. Everyone then said their goodbyes and we all went home. Then I wrote this.

You brought us together, and you were fearless in the face of death until the very end.

You accomplished more in thirteen years than most could have done in ninety. 

You will inspire and bring joy to us for generations to come. 

I love you, Lily. Being your older brother was the greatest thing that I could have ever asked for. 

Goodbye.

   

With Thanks and Love

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support over the past week. Lily's life celebration was so special and perfect and filled with so much love.

The gardens were simply beautiful; the sky, overcast, with the sun occasionally peeking out from behind the clouds. Pictures of Lily hung from the trees and covered the tables, along with her art work. Thank you Jane, for making it so special. Thank you also to Stonebridge Manor for allowing us to come together in such a wonderful environment.

I so appreciate friends and family collaborating to show their love for Lily and to celebrate her life. We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, loving people!



Some of my dear soul sisters sang for Lily accompanied by Adam and Danny. The song, called "Dream" was so lovely and touching. It was so sweet of them.

Adam also sang Lily's favorite song, "White Bark" as well as his beautiful new song, "Goodbye in Harmony." One of Lily's favorite things to do was to listen to music. When she was sick, Adam would come and play for her. This made her feel so special and happy. Thank you for that.

I also appreciate those who spoke during the service and shared their memories of Lily.

Later that evening, after the celebration, it sprinkled, then poured. It was a storm worthy of Lily's appreciation. She loved the rain.

This week, we have had neighbors bringing us dinner, a house full of flowers, and hearts full of love for each other. 

A Lily Love altar filled with flowers. This is only a small portion of the flowers that fill our home.

Our hearts are full of gratitude. Thank you!!

Celebration of Life

Lily would have been 13 years old this Thursday, December 13th.

In celebration of her life, we will be holding a memorial celebration on Thursday at 1:00 pm at Stonebridge Manor in Mesa.





Love, That's What You Remember

Lily’s soul departed from her body at 12:30 am Monday December 10^th.

We had spent the week prior at Ryan House, a wonderful place where the nurses made each day special and everyone was so incredibly kind to Lily.

Our fancy tea party lunch.

We had a lovely day that Sunday. We spent time together as a family and Lily, the nurses, and I painted rocks that day.

Lily painting a rock

Lily had lost the use of her legs and had numbness in her hands. Everything she did had become difficult, but she was so tough and determined that she wanted to paint rocks regardless. She had also started to sew a little cross stitch frog that she wanted to give to one of the ladies that worked at Ryan House.

That night, after saying goodnight to Grandma and Jacob and Daddy, she fell asleep.  A little later, I noticed that her breathing had become erratic so I tried waking her. When she wouldn’t wake up, I called the nurse who then called Phillip to come back.  I talked to Lily, and even though she wouldn’t fully wake up, I could tell she could hear me. I told her again how much I loved her and reminded her that she would always be in my heart.

Shortly after Phillip arrived, she slowly began to wake up saying, “I remember… I remember.” I asked her, “What do you remember?” and suddenly, she opened her eyes wide, sat up and said loudly, “Mom! I remember!” She was awake, but it was as if she were talking from the other side. Her eyes were open, but not fixed on anything.

She said, “Who do I love? Brandon and Lacey and Jon and Jen and Grandma and Noah and Kaylee and Shae; these are the people I love. Who else do I love? Grandma Janet and Poppa, I always loved Poppa. Who else? I love so many people, and so many people love me. Mom and Dad and Jacob and the nurses. The nurses here are so nice…”

She went on listing people that she loved, then talking about everything she liked. She liked holding daddy’s hand while they watched movies; she liked it when mom read to her. She listed favorite movies, favorite books. She talked about memories she had playing with friends. She said that she liked playing in the rain and talked about playing in the rain with her friend Noah.

She talked about how she realized that having and buying things isn’t what is important.

She had us laughing when she advised Phillip to never wear socks with his Birkenstocks.

She talked for so long about so many things that she loved and then at one point, she announced that she could feel her legs again. She said, “I can walk. I can do it!” She wanted the blankets off and her bed raised so that she could sit up straighter. She was so confident and insistent that she could walk that we believed that she could too- if not in this world, then in the next.

We asked her to just relax and lay back. She did and she soon fell back to sleep. Sitting by her side, Phillip bumped the bed. She woke up again, laughing. She chuckled, “I fell asleep…” and laughed some more. Then, she peacefully closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

And just like that—with her strong, beautiful, loving, funny personality coming through to the very end--she stopped breathing and left her body.  

Phillip and I pictured her, strong again, running through the stars, the wind blowing through her hair and laughing, joyously.

We both said thank you to her for what a gift she was to us while she was here.  My heart was so full of love and Lily and a feeling of absolute wonder. I kept saying, “It’s so perfect. She’s so perfect. Everything is just—perfect.” I can’t describe the feeling that I had; strangely, only that one word—perfect—seemed right.

I think that maybe it is because all is perfect, even when life seems its worst. I realized that we can’t always know why things happen the way they do, but that Lily is looking down from the stars and that she now knows, she now has the answers, and can see the utter perfection of it all.

To know this, and to know that she is at peace and so very free makes me happy even while I miss her so much.  I had previously told her that she would always be in my heart and of course she had wisely smiled and said, “I know.”

And she is in my heart. In the last couple days, every time I think, “She’s gone.” I stop and realize that she isn’t really gone. She is still with me and I am filled with so much love.

Last night, Phillip, Jacob and I sat out in the desert around a fire with some of our friends. They played music and we stared at the stars and before we left, we shouted, “We love you, Lily!” We felt her presence so strongly.  It was beautiful.

I know that we will always remember and carry her in our hearts and I also know (because she made sure to tell us so!) that she remembers us. It’s the little things in life that matter; all those little things that add up to make a life. They are the things that we take with us. The memories of those we love and all the loving experiences that we have had together.

We love you Lily!!

We’ve had some amazing moments over the past month!

We had a fabulous tea party in our back yard with lots of good friends who were all dressed up and ready to celebrate Life, Love, and Lily.

Pics by the awesome Lindsey Johnson

Such a unique, beautiful soul

Mergence, one of Lily’s absolute favorite bands, was kind enough to come and play a full on rock concert in our backyard just for her.  They created a magical evening with their wonderful vibes and good energy.



Thank you Mergence!

Lily and one of her best friends, Nick!

A simply amazing moment

So much love!

Dance Circle of Love ~ "We Love You Lil!"

We danced well into the night. There was much laughter and some joyful tears as our hearts overflowed with love for each other and especially for Lily.

***

Later in October, Lily, grandma and I spent some time together in this gorgeous cabin in Pinetop thanks to our friends Carol and Bob.

Endless blue sky, cool mountain air, pine trees for miles, lots of wildlife and a jet tub? This is my kind of cabin! We had such a relaxing time-- going for walks, crafting and simply doing...nothing...

We definitely enjoyed the beautiful surroundings and each other, but the altitude was hard on Lily. She was beginning to feel weak and dizzy and the high altitude only made this worse.

Luckily, Uncle Marcus and his strong arms arrived along with the rest of his family so we were able to spend time with them for a few days as well.

Later, on Phillip's day off, he also drove up (possibly all my jokes about never wanting to come home had him worried!)

While grandma stayed with Lily, Phillip and I had one of the best afternoons ever. We found a creek by Hawley Lake, hiked around, splashed in the water, basked in the sun and let all our worries go.

***

In October, we also took a trip to Puerto Peñasco, Mexico to reconnect, relax, and soak in the healing energy of the ocean. 





photo by Lindsey

The weather was perfectly beautiful: cool breezes, cloudless skies, the warm sun during the day and a full moon at night that lit up the beach and cast its glittering reflection on the ocean.

From our patio, we watched dolphins, sea gulls and pelicans. We also saw the most amazing sunsets. I'm not sure if I've ever seen the sky change so many colors.

At night, we slept to the sound of ocean waves.

At least, part of the night. Lily is still having trouble sleeping at night.

She made up for restless nights by doing lots of sleeping on the beach. 



We love her so much! It hurt my heart to see her feeling weak and tired and unable to do so many of the things that she loves.

I'm so grateful, though, for our loving friends and the support they have given us.



We are truly blessed.



It’s been a while since I’ve written.

In life, sometimes, there simply are no words.

I’ve felt this way lately; I’ve felt that there are no words that can even begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that I-- we-- have been experiencing. When I have a moment to myself (which is rare), I consider how I can best articulate my feelings and I tend to come up blank.

I am not profound. This brain is unique, but not brilliant. I have no deep insight, no fountain of knowledge to impart. But I feel. I feel so strongly, it hurts--

I know cancer is there. I feel its looming presence every day. It likes particularly to make its existence known at night when our tired, sleep deprived brains are not quite rational. Sometimes Lily has a hard time sleeping. She tosses and turns, can’t get comfortable, goes from her bed to my bed to the couch and back again. Her shoulder has been hurting her for some time now and we fear what this means for her--for us.  But—

she is Lily—and regardless of how she is feeling, she always exudes love, beauty, and that special unique Lily-ness that tends to draw people to her.

Every day—

She laughs, dances, makes something wonderfully creative, and says something super smart and/or something super hilarious.

Every day—

 I ask her (multiple times really), “How are you? How do you feel?” Her answer is inevitable: “good,” (usually accompanied by a smile).  Even in the mornings, when she is so tired after a long night, it’s “good,” with a smile and she is off to play some Flaming Lips or Ween while she stretches out, dances around the living room, and drinks her Flor-Essence tea.

And despite everything, when I consider what I feel most, I feel love.

And gratitude.

And wonder.

At how amazingly complex, yet simple life is. How inter-related we all are. How abundantly fortunate our family is to be blessed with love from so many wonderful people.

Every day—

I am awed at the kindness, the thoughtfulness of others who each give of their own unique talents to make life better for one special girl.

Each person has such individual beauty; shines in their own way. When they share that inner light, the whole world has feels it.

I feel it. And I thank you.

Welcome to the World, Baby Rylee!

 

Little Rylee Lorraine was born today! It must be a good day; today is Jacob's birthday too! Lily was so excited to meet her new cousin, she loves babies oh so much, and this one is super special and ever so loved.

Girls Only Getaway

A couple weekends ago Lily and I got away from the city for an overnight stay in a cute rustic cabin in the woods by Christopher Creek. It was a super fun break from our usual routine and something we decided we need to do much more often. How amazing is it that we only need to drive up out of the desert for an hour or two to be in the forest, surrounded by pine trees and the beauty of nature?

My little pixie with her handmade "sprite"

Shortly after Lily and I checked into our cabin, the fun arrived. Fellow tree-loving-wild-women Lindsey and Julia met up to help us spend the day relaxing and frolicking by the creek.




Lindsey took these wonderful photographs. Check out her website.

In the evening, Lily made us tin foil hats just in case there were aliens lurking about who wanted to read our minds. I'm sure our cabin neighbors thought we were nuts, but we had a blast making a delicious quinoa and veggie feast, dining outdoors, going for a long walk, dancing in the dark, and laying in the road as countless stars emerged from the night sky.  We marveled at how tiny we are as Lily explained our planet's position in the galaxy. We searched out satellites and were surprised by falling stars. The sounds of the forest blended with the music from a nearby live band as we giggled and just enjoyed each other's company.

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao-Tzu

Clothing Drive Fundraiser

My friend and fellow teacher, Cami Kistemann, is organizing another clothing drive for Lily. This is going to be a really awesome event!

Lily and I are especially excited about the art show. During the clothing drive, we will be showcasing Lily's artwork and selling some prints of her drawings!

These are a few examples of some of Lily's recent clay sculptures:



Mushroom Man





Baby Fairy



Here is the flyer for the event:  

The “We Love Lil Clothing Event”!!

Last year we held a “Back-to-School Clothing Drive” event for our favorite girl Lily.  Although she was in remission for a brief time, her cancer is back, and we will be repeating this event on September 15th,  from 10: 00am-2:00 pm for Lily Lopez.  The Clothing Drive will be held at the LDS church located on 1010 S Recker, between Warner and Ray.  We will also be adding an art show of Lily’s original, fabulous art, as well as a bake sale. 

Lily Lopez was diagnosed in January of 2011 with Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare form of cancer.  She is now 12 years old, and a joy to all who know her.  You can read more about Lily and her family at http://welovelil.blogspot.com/.  In order to help offset the cost of her treatment, and try and ease the burden of her family, we will be holding this clothing drive.  It will be really easy to participate.  As you clean out your children’s closets in preparation for school, please bring clothing that you no longer need to Cami Kistemann’s house, 2895 E Cathy Drive, Gilbert, AZ 85296.

We would like to have all donations before September 15th.  If, however, you also want to bring your clothing to the church on the day of the event (September 15th), it will be happily accepted at that time.  We will be selling the clothing by the bag.  All the clothing you can stuff into a bag provided for $5.00.  Please donate your clothing, and come to buy a bag or two.  Even if you don’t need the clothing, please come and lend your support.  Please forward this to anyone who you know would like to participate so that we can make this beneficial for everyone.   If you would like to help out further still, please contact Cami Kistemann at 480-626-1405. 

Lily's Wish

Lily's wish to have a playhouse in our backyard was granted last month by the wonderful people at Make a Wish.

I can't even begin to describe how inspired I am by the tireless efforts of Make a Wish volunteers who give of their time and resources to make dreams come true!

Our wish granters, Michelle and Linda, were just the sweetest ladies and went above and beyond planning everything and even decorating the house with Lily's own artwork in 100 + degree temperatures. They thought of every detail: curtains, pillows, wind chime, live flowers- they even named the house "Lily's Pad" and had a beautiful sign made for above the door.

  The playhouse was provided by Colby Earl at WoodManor Playhouses. Colby and his daughter brought the playhouse from Utah and actually built it in about 8 hours! The craftsmanship of the playhouse is amazing. It has real working windows, a staircase, a door with a key, and even a swing on the porch!

A large group of firefighters from the Phoenix Fire Department spent their entire Saturday painting the house exactly how Lily wanted it. They also donated money so that Lily could have air conditioning and her playhouse landscaped! They dug up grass, trimmed bushes, re-routed sprinklers, bought and planted plants and even put real wood flooring inside the house! Luckily it was a cloudy day, but it was still hot and humid and they worked so hard! What an amazing group of people. Some even brought their kids to come and help and meet Lily. They also gave her a real firefighter helmet. Thank you Tommy and everyone else who helped. Our hearts are full of love and gratitude for you!

The following weekend, Phillip's best friends came out to help run electricity out to the house and install the air conditioner. Now Lily's house has lights and cool air. Thanks John and Tripper!

Hawley Lake

At the end of July, we were able to get away for a few days to get out of the heat and enjoy the beauty that is the White Mountains. We stayed in a cabin at Hawley Lake. It was wonderful to have a little road trip adventure, enjoy the peacefulness of Nature, and spend quality time with our family.

Unfortunately, Phillip had to work so he wasn't there, but the kids and I caravanned up with my parents and they brought Lily's cousin Shae.

I, of course, brought an obscene amount of produce and my heavy duty juicer.

Lily didn't feel well the first day that we were there; luckily she started feeling better, was able to have some fun, and I was able to get some photos of her.

We got to experience both a cold, rainy day and a bright, clear sunny day. Colorful flowers, busy butterflies, baby ducks, noisy cows and (lucky me!) mice in my bed- oh my!

All of these made for an adventure I won't soon forget!

Lily fished, both on the shore and in a boat. She played with her cousin and at night they both kept us laughing with their hilarious infomercials about random objects.

Jacob and I got to spend a lot of time together, which made me happy. Can you believe he is 17 this month? It's not often that he wants to spend time with the family, but a sweeter, more responsible 17 year old would be hard to find. I try to give him his space; there are a lot of things he doesn't like and me taking his picture is one of them, but I was able to snap a few without him noticing.

I spent much of my time obsessively making huge quantities of organic, healthy food that everyone good-naturedly ate despite the fact that it was a bit bland without salt or oil.

However, I did get up early the last day we were there and spend some solitary time by the lake, meditating on this crazy thing called life and my own role in Lily's journey. We are so close and I tend to be overly empathetic, literally feeling her pain, discomfort, or sickness. And while being empathetic isn't necessarily a bad thing, the constant worry and fear that I was also experiencing didn't have me in a good frame of mind. Every second of my day was consumed with thinking about, talking about, reading about, and watching about cancer. At night, I had vivid dreams. During the day, I rushed around frantically trying to do everything I could. I spent most of my day in the kitchen, where I was so hurried that I broke countless dishes and accidentally cut myself slicing vegetables on several occasions.

I realized that while I felt very strong and centered about our decision, I wasn't taking the time that I needed each day for myself to ground and recenter my own emotions. I still find this balance difficult with all that I need to do every day, but during this trip it came to me that the best way I can help Lily is to be a supportive presence, not to attempt to live her pain for her.

I've always tried to shelter Lily, but by taking on too much I've ended up simply exhausting myself. And the fact is, she is becoming a very mature, very wise young woman. She needs a mother who is mindful, who feels and gives from her heart, not a mother who is mindlessly spurned on by fear and worry. In the situation I find myself in, it hasn't been easy for me. But I'm trying to be that person.